Monday, December 05, 2005
relationships
There is a natural progression or,more accurately,regression in any relationship.You felt a huge crush sinking deep into you mind,soul and maybe heart.You felt it to someone and everything about them is wonderful,miraculous,enchanting.You love the way he is with his family,the way he listens to you.The way she tilts her head is so graceful,and you love her mischievousness.You are endlessly fascinated and enthralled with her every movement,every touch.And you express the thrill of it all.You tell your new love how sensitive and special he is.You tell your parents or friends that she is the most warm and giving woman you've ever met.
You know how nauseatingly people go on when they're first in love.Family and friends put up with it because they know it will pass.And sure enough it does.And then something happens,or an imperfection peeks through.She's always late,or he watches too much television.In a way,even this stage feels good at first- as if having a problem to work out is a signal that this is a relationship to take seriously.When your friends ask you how things are going you can say,"Great,but we have a few issues we need to work on."
Everything is as it should be,except for this "one thing".This is where we decide that what it's going to take to make everything perfect again is work.This is also where appreciation begins to take a backseat to our efforts to make everything fit our ideas of how we think it should be.And more often than not,this is the beginning of the end of a great relationship.
You dont have to do anything about the good things because "if it ain't broke,dont fix it,"right?So you devote lots of attention to this problem-thing.You discuss it with each other,you read books about it,and you seek advice from friends.Meanwhile,less and less of your attention goes to those great qualities you fell head-over-heels in love with,the reasons you got seriously together in the first place.There seems to be an unspoken agreement that you dont need to pay attention to "how genorous she is" or "how sensitive he is."Those qualities are fine; they dont need any correction or improvement.
Eventually,we are only paying attention to the problems.And since problems get the focus,problems are all we see and experience.The nonproblematic things we used to dote on,the things that enamored us,fade far into the background from lack of attention.
This is how we take a fulfilling,nurturing,exciting relationship and kill it.Almost everyone does it,too.Proof of point; How many lively and passionate longtime relationship do you know of?
marfi @ 5:23 AM