PROFILEhere.

Kimmikos Emily Lin Syuhaidah Josephine Farheen Fazleena Claudya Feefaa Raimi Raidah Hazeeq


August 2005
September 2005
October 2005
November 2005
December 2005
January 2006
February 2006
March 2006
April 2006
May 2006
June 2006
July 2006
August 2006
September 2006
November 2006
December 2006
January 2007
February 2007



designer
blogger

This blog is rarely updated because it depends on my mood and inspiration. If you have a problem with that, I suggest you leave and stop complaining, bitch. Do not pretend you know me like the back of your hand from reading this online sanctuary of mine because this is not even half of me yet.

TENEBROUS

Today was unflavourable,to wake up feeling drowsy and moody,thats enough.what's more is that i have to get down to the kitchen get screamed.dont fuckin shout at me like tt!don't blame for what is happening and to what a person i had become!its partly your fuggin fault.I know im stoopidly dumb so dont rub on more.im not like the rest or like any other kids u want me to be.i've cried enough for the past 5 years.i dont do well partly because of the favourtism u ran in the house!I can remember very vividly the first time i became aware of my existence;how for the first time i realised that i was not a sentinent human being in a perceptibe world.the rictus image plastered on their face for most kids do when their mum pressed them right ot their feet,well i fuckin tried not to,only to respect ur unworthy decision.but sorry,i bottle all of them,no one knows how fucking deep my cut is now though im all hyper and garrulously loud in school.So what if i committed some malfeasance in your native presence,that doesnt mean you should be biased.stop siding yourself and say you love every each of us equally,you can just count me out anytime.i will be greatly honoured!take me to consideration,im fuckin sensitive,i told you,i bruised easily.so be gentle.

to hear that there will be no prom night is an ear piercing.i hate it when someone dont mark their words.the school effin sucks.i'll rot them if i could and i bet they dont have any other words to say.mothafug!

its raining,at least mother nature cares about me.they know when to put the most refulgent show so as to ease me up.i thank you for that.can i bath in the rain?

blogging is the perfect time-killer.friendster is down.so im jus wasting all my time now posting,blog-hopping and luffing at stoopidly-lame blogs.i wanna start now.

its raining its pouring.sha lalalalalala....
marfi @ 3:32 PM


its so shitty.just to wake up from a deep slumber sleep this morning.i hate the way my body system works.it goes like this,sleeping at 3,i'll be all indolent to wake up and even if slept earlier,i would still have trouble getting up.being unfavourable to grope out of bed is still the wanted victim to my saturnine body.Grrrr

Photo session was great although i appear like a china doll who's forcing a smile.Unconciously,the whole class looked fantastic by far(now that's something to be pleased of.harharhar).not forgetting,he still look hot after many critiques of looking like a girl.can i bite you?

the girls,syuh and bad filed straight out to smelly gg's house,to take some clothing or what.i dunno, while i headed home to fetch my barbies,for a photoshoot with emily's girls.(barbies i mean)
kim has to sit outside because he wants to,after much forcing,we gave up.maybe kim already got himself indulge into a malay typical mother-father stereotype mentality.haha!i miss barbie,so i went over to gg's house and sat along the doorway playing with it.i love the frisson of dressing up and hairstyling their hair.i dont give a fuck about how old i am,and that i shouldnt be playing with barbies right now.i personally believe,that is one narrow minded mentality.fuck to those who think its immature.BARBIES are the envy of every girl.

The month of ramadan is drawing near,and so does N levels.i'm making all the sacrifices now in order not to be devoured completely over bad results.i want satisfaction.the enjoyment and feeling of happiness is not after N(a little maybe),but the pleasent results achieved.Now that's enjoyment!
making hardships now won't hurt.it pays off at the end of the day.

i miss you,u miss me,we are one happy friends.with a great big hug and a kiss from me to you.won't you say u miss me too.

laying off
marfi @ 6:05 AM


The weather put on one of its grandest shows on the day of my friend,arwah Shalehin's funeral service.Though i wasnt there to witness the funeral,i personally can envision everything.A radiant sun shone down on them as they entered the family's home,and a gentle breeze swirled the women's skirts.It was as if Mother nature herself insisted that Shalehin leave us in a proper style.The sorrow still remained partly mine,i reminisced in a moving eulogy.

I created a poem,something which took me weeks to deliver it into sheer perfection.

The Forever Friend

On my own, but mostly the savannah,
Where the tumbleweeds fade away and die,
Before the glassy sun burns a summer of crystals,
The glistering waters of the high seasOf which was so far a place as of where vultures roam.
I looked around but you weren't anywhere...
You used to say that you would never die,
But I took the wrong meaning into my heart.
Now the sea is wild with despair,
Deep blue like a prairie of flowers blue,
Where all children of God rest in eternal peace.
I saw you at the end,You and I, brother and sister of nature,Brother and sister of heaven and earth,
Your usually calm and heavenly eyes full of tears,Bitterly falling one after one into a river,
Then the river of life turned red in blood.
My eyes watched in horror.
Slowly and deadly your heart became poisoned,You disappeared without saying good-bye,
Not a word came out of your mouth.
You became like desolation in its grave.
When once the skies were a realm of stars.And the sun shone brightly in summer skies,
You were there to share the calmness;
But now I stand here in midst of the tall grass.
And only the savannah remains


Up to this moment,his name still engraves in my mind with inscription.
We love and miss him,and we know it;this suffices for reason's share.

Love,ayu.
marfi @ 4:56 AM


By the end of september,it may seemed unnoticed,yet its true,fasting is coming.though its a sin not to fast,ironically some pethatic ones still has the verge not to fast,clinging on the thought...ermm..nevermind,i rather not talk about it.

the day signaled pure warmness in a way we all could feel-early,bright and recklessness during recess.unexpected,we were returned of our history papers.ain was the highest,cant remember about the results tho,but i sure do about the comment.it was her handwriting which scoured them.Her handwriting was considered big and restrained with blunt bony letters that stopped long before the end of the page.

While i gazed out into space,i recalled the bubble yum i promised kim.Kim ur boring,idiot you didnt do my dare.nyeh.Though i failed contriving him,it was all because he wasnt jobsworth of the regulations i made,but i still had the fun bullying him and got him to losing end.poor kimmy.nyahaha

Filing out of the school gates,me and the girls shepherded down the aisle towards sun plaza away from the curious onlookers(the mats and minahs whom gathered under e blocks smoking away).squinting our eyes, i burned much more in boiling sweat and feel my flames augmented manifold.at tt juncture,i wished the fire could harden to ice,and ice congealed with senseless cold.how wonderful device if it happens.

tralalalala..i sung home.
marfi @ 3:44 PM


my day wasn't too boring tho,cause i was out since afternoon and just got back in like few minutes ago.

it had been a while since i went out wif smelly cat,gg.so,with bright intentions,i rented her to have me accompanied for the rest of the day.we went to causewaypoint ,as per normal,malls are our bestfriend.our body weight were to heavy that it encouraged us to go somewhere near since it was sunday.seriously our body need a rest too.Gg wolfed down this rice and chicken fillet meal at long john which doesnt taste so define.nyeh.

Later during the walk,we hit metro,a leading clothing store which was littered with hundreds of gorgeous apparels.Unconciosly,i noticed a cute black halter top accompanied with goden sequins along the neck line.It was the exact piece i've been searching for all this months.Apart from that,gg too tripped over a cute lacy white top and we both made minds to try them on.And so we did.haha.gg looked really hot in it,and so do i.we giggled like young girls,snapping pictures by gg's new camera phone and complement others for the maginificent look we had on us,and were so physco by it that we felt so overwhelmed to buy them.but too bad we dont have the cash.nyeh.

After hours of window shopping,we felt our legs battered which can break down any moment.So we took the time off and bought a super sweet ice cream from gelare and lick away at the nearby bench.totally. i end the day with a ride by gg's dad car for a free broomed home .thanks to gg and dad.i heart u.

fingers are complaining for vigorious typing and stinky pillow is calling.so long losers.purrr...
marfi @ 10:50 PM


i'm a bitch,i rot people,i stink and i suck big time,and i mean really big.wttvr.

Saturday is soo not my day.So anyway,i happened to woke up at 6.50 and groped myself out of bed only because i thought i was late for school,when it was fuggin saturday.Thanks to god,i didnt make my way to the washroom and get dressed, or not i'll be the only one in school to have a saturday assembly.Stupid me.

Maneuvering to the face of the computer screen,again i start figuring whut on the hell of earth should i do after the major exams.this are the intentions literally on the list,
1.get a job.where?toys 'r' us or giordano(a recommendation by ain)
2.buy a new bicycle and wheel away in hours.
3.wardrobe makeover
4.enter clubs and have a ball of time.
5.*planning*

those are the 4 basic things i have in mind.Oh well,not much but they don't keep me bored during the month though.


I'm friggin bored.Not anymore can I rot.Im dying.Mum,can i go out now?
marfi @ 2:40 PM


oh well,here i am agian.Its been awhile since i updated my blog,and the only reason was,to have my blog well satisfying.Nothing much occur today though i nearly dozed off during the last 20 minutes of maths lesson.The blissful swirling of immense wind paid my hearing no attention,since all the corrections was done yeasterday,furthermore, the weather was great which completely disoriented me and my increasing weakness in listening.The pencil slipped off my fingers and i fall asleeep aimlessly.

Hate to mention,i was late for school this morning.I woked up with a nose block and wrenching ache backs.I took all the time i could past and gradually got nearer to the hellish gates.Still in a sleepy stupor, i dragged my feet mindlessly only to notice the security guard marvling at me like a seductive rapist on caught of he's fresh victim.Ugh.
marfi @ 5:31 AM


I specially dedicate this story to a friend of mine named, Rahmat.After hearing your story,i altruistically structured it in my post since it's hallucinating.

Loss and healing

When i was nearly seven years old I was just a mere bit of a boy.Short straight hair framed my happy little freckled face and my lively black eyes looked at everything in curious anticipation of delights to be.

I was a happy carefree kid...until the day i fell.It was a bad fall.I landed on the bed of sand while i was sliding down a playground slide which cause my left arm to fractured miserably.Trying to save the arm, the doctors injected some medication and bandaged it,making my arm looked so huge like a human with a gorilla's arm except that mine didn't have much hair.The attempt had caused me to be hospitalised, but my mother, in all her wisdom, found a way to heal it faster by keeping me accompany through the cold night by lying with me in the hospital bed.From the corner of my eye, I held my eyes to her face and a pool of emotions came pouring in.Though i was still mentally raw,i felt the love she spread across my heart.The care and possiblity she gave was incomparable to the days i will be missing her.

Months passed with only traces of memories flooding my mind.It was in the morning when I was awokened by a pat and soft voices of my father.I delibrately opened my exhausted eyes and noticed he's expression,it scared me.Something was wrong. ''What happened?Tell me what's wrong,"I pleaded.He held his tears back firmly.Then softly and slowly words came out of the mouth.My mother had suffered from a massive cancer and kidney failure that morning.I delievered a nonchalant expression.It was nothing to me,since I was too young to understand the issue.When i asked if she was okay, my father shook his head.She had died.I slowly sat down back on the bed.Reality crept in; tears filled my eyes and steamed down my face.I felt a whirlwind of emotions: shock, fear, confusion, anger, hysteria.I was lost in emotions never before conjured.

The cancer finally left her body when she was in her thirties and never returned.We shared the joy of life after cancer when she soared like an eagle into the academic world, excelling in everything she touched.My mother learned how precious life is and had fought to the end to hang on to every morsel of it.Cancer then stepped into the background of our lives.

Up until that moment, my life had been like a strand of bright and colourful Christmas ligts.With my mother's death, one bulb was ripped out and the entire strand went black.I was seven and unable to put my life back together.Life became confusing.I felt robbed of my innocence and identity.I was faced with emotions that I never had to deal with before.I constantly faced new obstacles and tasks.I forgot who I was, where I was going and how to move on.Each member in my family had devised his or own technique for dealing with our loss.Nomatter how they chose to grieve, I knew their method was more effective than mine.In my grief, i felt inceasingly isolated.Looking back,I realize that strangely, i had become comfortable in my dark,unstable world.I began to feel safe;I was lonely and sheltered in my nest of hurt and discouragement.

I don't remember exactly why or how I began to climb out of misery.My friends and family were huge contributions.With their help, I broke tasks into smaller steps.I learned to handle my problems differently.It took time and plenty of willpower, but eventually I pushed myself out into the light.I came to realize the importance of every moment and not to take life for granted.

Now sixteen, as tragic as the experience of losing my mother was, i feel that it has pushed me to become a stronger person.Life is a gift, and even through pain and complexity, I realized that i cannot and will not give up; I will not abandon my identity.Today i feel that i have developed the strength and knowledge to grow and mature.I have learned to respect life and all of its blessings.My mother remained out of focus,a shadowy figure.I think my mother would be proud of me.

A contribution
marfi @ 12:06 AM


i'm starting to think more and action less.i cannot stand less being patient.To further on it,it's a huge shame for guys to get disheartened by a small snap of words.Listen boys it's a pain in the ass.And the aftermath is sulking and wait for the gentlelady to plaster a crescent of sweetness across their hearts.call me a bitch cause that's whut i am.I'll template you for whut's fact and surface it with sarcasm.im sorry but i can't potray decent longer.Your perpetual mind signs is not a hunger to my "empty" hollow brain.Accept it or take it to chute.Your mutual language brings pure intimidation.Words grimaced can no longer fence me from skinning u alive and squeeze your too mild heart to showers.

Maybe i was just overeacting.

currently chatting with jeff.A boy who loses easily to intimacy.hehe.My friendster is hungry.It needs testimonials.So jeff,i'm patiently waiting.I'm either not mentally abused by planting a kiss on you and taken aback by ur perception of me losing,"KAN DAH KALAH!!"it doesnt help in any way.By not replying ur statement does not delivers my attempt on losing.I can rot you if you want.Sorry.You surfaced it as a joke but, I know you partly meant it.No need to put words to your acclaimation jeff.I'm not offended and i hope ur not too okay.I'm just putting feelings into words.So basically im waiting fer my testi,As you promised, tomorrow or the day after.Take your part.

goodnight bitches.im awating fer the next nightmare.
marfi @ 6:54 AM


i can't stand rotting at home.i need to get the hell out for at least 3 hours.omg.somebody please bring me out.there's nothing i can do,besides get the com to entertain me or watch the tv.this is soo driving me insane.

fix me sumone to get with for today.please god im begging u

bitches
marfi @ 12:35 AM


currently listening to pussycat dolls's dont cha.This song has got me addicted,and i mean soo addicted.it just boost my spirits high.

im trying to make sense here.i had my sense all wrong.they're making each own's tracks.see,whut i mean is,i fetish slim feminine frames.but not till the extent of being ashamed of myself which is by staring at myself in a zero size sundress draped loosely over me.Or in fact, looking like a little girl swimming in her mother's clothes.I dont want to get panic as my eyes frantically scanned through the rest of my body only to find out that my face become gaunt,and my bright eyes had become dull and faded,later,just slightly sunken in as if all my desire for life has been sucked out.With every glance,i see fat here and there,where there should have been the beginnings of womanly curves.I dont want everything about me to be so tiny and frail tt reminds me of a twig tt could be snapped with a blow of harsh winter wind.And lastly,i dont want to have myself ended, overwhelmed my guilt.

now im figuring if there's a conclusion to drastic change.
As the day snatches time,I bring myself forward to the head to toe mirror in my room and stood there criticising myself about how fat i looked and how tight the shirt was.how had this happened?I found out in my first stage of teenage, which was the year when attention on being thin became emphasized.Diets became my obsession.There was a new one to try every month,each promising better results than the last.They were "in style" the same way bohemians or surfbabes clothes like roxy were.I was insecure about being fat,which suprised people because they say i have such a healthy-hot-cute body.But seeing those stick-figured girls talk about thier diets only perpetuated my insecurity.



marfi @ 1:58 AM


what a night.
my beauty lies to the beholder-Him

Anticipation tingles my skin,and his hand is cold as it rest in mine.The shadows of the trees dance on his dark featured face.Moonlight eerily bounces off the river.The moonlight reflects the cold beats of sweat bulit up on his neck.We came clearing in the park, our clearing.It's the first place we sat together for two and a half hours together.We both involuntarily sat on a brick, hand in hand,shoulder to shoulder,leg to leg.Unconsciuosly, he brushes of a smudge of eyeliner off my face.I lean on to him.As we laughed,i looked at his face for a quick observation.His eyes seeks reconcillation.The moonlights bathes us in a luminious light, but its just dark enough to see only sillhouettes.The birds up in the sky sang a lovely melody.And for one brief shining moment,he's the boy i've been missing for.
marfi @ 1:52 AM